Tony

captain anxious and the anxieteers

People that only share terrible news…

…why?

Somedays I wish I had earlids.

hey keep it down 🤫

I’m yearning

Worked better than melatonin gummies 😭

i wish all landlords a very sincere die

If you can't join em leave

How exactly do they cream the cheese?

i want to eat a very large and juicy grape

collecting rain in wine glasses so i can have sips of the sky whenever i feel too mortal

Pasta at midnite might have been a mistake, I slept for nearly ten hours afterward 😅

💚🍴

What really separates us from the other animals are opposable thoughts.

Hey i'm gonna go walk into Mordor, anyone need anything

A bowl of corkscrew pasta! Made with onion, bell pepper, garlic and ground beef, all topped with parmesan cheese.

✨ midnite pasta ✨

humam resilience really is something (me, to myself, while holding my phone with a bruised finger to doomscroll, probably making it worse)

if you ignore all your problems then really you don’t have any

Hear me out: a cake you jump into.

my 11yo semi verbal autistic daughter has started saying "that's AI" instead of "that's bullshit" and I must say she is always correct at calling out bullshit

You can drop your unwanted nail clippings or clumps of hair in any of the earths many crevices. The strange hybrid creatures who live down there will thank you warmly for the gesture

smooshing blumpkins

put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format

let's hold hands and stand up too quickly together 💖

If you can’t love me at my poster’s madness, you don’t deserve me at my poster’s sanity

[taco bell 2am] *quite drunk*
Me: “Nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras, please.”

the solution is to return to analog

me in 2050: doctor my nutritional gummy gave me covid 4
doctorbot (alpha) via ZMAIL ver 3: Kill you are self

there were little signs. nights out became nights in. i stopped doing it with my kid around, and slowly i stopped caring who knew i only wanted to listen to dubstep alone

tbh social media is best when you use it for 2 things:

1) making new friends/keeping in touch with old friends, gassing each other up and having fun making jokes

2) telling politicians & opinion writers who are Just Asking Questions to step into traffic

Assuming every post is about you makes social media incredibly amusing.