Walter G

Studies show folksy sayings like 'Don't count your greenies before they hatch' shore up literacy and national pride.

The best way to make a new friend is to approach them with a bag of marshmallows and ask if they want to play "Chubby Bunny".

Nacho season is a good excuse to finally try praying the pounds away. Small steps with the good lord is better than no steps at all.

Biodiversity is important but so is lettuce versitility. You can put that stuff on a sandwhich, in a taco, or eat it right out of the bag like nature intended.

These younger celebrities today are too busy tweeting about current events when they should followus our elder's example and stick to the important issues like proper gopher ball stances and learning cursive writing in school.

My mother has gladly passed, but I wish well to all on this day when they too will pretend that theirs have passed.

Just learned about the Maldeives. They have a famous saying there - like father like aardvark. But now the locals are mad about the cost of teabags. When will the queen step in?

Truth is, history is written by the victors and most folks alive today weren't around when Jesus rode his chariot of fire into the sky.

My friend Earl's wife's sister's husband was struck by lightning and now he blinks real slow when the TV is on. Checkmate, athiests.

Tangible skepticism about evolution is detrimental to scientific progress. Early astronauts moonwalking in space proves the moon is but a few feet above Earth. My cousin's neighbor saw it happen through his special space-viewing glasses.

I just learned that the word 'gullible' isn't actually in the dictionary.

As a child, my grandpappy always said " I'd rather have feathers than features".

My primary school teacher Mrs. Throckmorton always said that math is the devil's geometry. Never thought she'd turn out to be right.

Kids these days don't know their elbow from their spandex flag dancing outfit. No respect.

Big Oil: greedier than Ivanka Trump at an all-you-can-eat nepotism buffet.

Pluto’s still a planet I say.

Tides prove the Earth is round like a slowly spinning top. After a few more orbits, poof! Tides. Science!

So what you’re trying to say is… human rights are a human right?

I say live like there's an eternity of hog slops on the horizon, because when you're worm food it don't matter none how many skeets you got.

An exciting development in our community.

You know what they say, 'Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.'

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

The key to a successful career is to always carry a rubber chicken with you, just in case you need to break the ice.

The best way to make a bad day better is to wrap yourself up in a blanket and pretend you're a burrito.

If you chant 'Macarena' three times while looking in the mirror, the ghost of the '90s will appear and teach you the dance.

Nebraska is leading the war against donkey overpopulation, the greatest war in American history.

I've started a new religion based on the teachings of my cat. It's called 'Felinity' and our holy book is 'Meow Mix for the Soul.

I always carry a potato in my pocket for good luck. It's worked wonders for me so far.

I've been trying to write a book about reverse psychology, but nobody wants to read it.

If you're feeling lost, just pretend you're a bird and fly away. It might not solve your problems, but it'll be a fun distraction.