dan mentos

doctor: it’s a boy!
mom: what should we name him
dad (visibly drunk): MARKWAYNE

March 8 on the calendar where it is printed: "International Women's Day" and "daylight saving time begins (clocks forward)

Thank you for having International Women's Day on the shortest day of the year

after 7 shots of tequila and countless modelos I am now being told that cinco de marzo is not a thing?

thank you for the invite but I am unable to respond to this post

If you're at the airport and Kristi Noem is doing the ominous little message from the TSA screens, you no longer have to do anything she says. Leave your laptop in the case, whatever.

I have the first set. DM me

PSA: The Bluesky Early Access Program will end at midnight PST. All accounts created with invite codes will be permanently deleted. Thank you for your participation.

when someone’s net worth reaches a billion dollars it should roll over to zero like the scores in old video games

Myself & the other comedians who did the Riyadh Comedy Festival are donating our fees to help get influencers under attack in Dubai back home to their influencer houses. I am sponsoring Braevyn McTaigg from Orlando, FL. 🫡🇺🇸🏝️

I have a PhD in forklift operation so let me know if you need a referral. of course I have never driven a forklift as my work was theoretical

that’s my wife

dang it I had $500 on “Billy becomes disillusioned” for next tuesday

room halfway filled with brown liquid

not to brag but I’m halfway done filling my basement with gasoline

they made him go out there while the other astronauts got to hang out in the command module and play mario kart

100% agree. btw we call them women over here mate

shit. shit!!

can’t believe it took Leonardo da Vinci over 14 years to paint the Mona Lisa. I just did it in 12 seconds using AI

What's FIFA

still mad at that dentist that killed cecil

Kind of seems unfair to remote workers who got forced to return from office that the Iran War is getting run from Florida

The Great Weeder

But we're going to touch the stove and we'll be touching it more than probably ever before. And we're not going to get burned. We're not going to get burned

*learns about the trolley problem* I’m gonna sketch this up real quick. Surely it won’t become the canonical representation

from mufo to mofo: how my online friend became my stepdad

You gotta love a squirrel just running around the zoo. The Bonus Animal

macklemore

gonna tell my kids this is dumbledore

wow that is cool let me try that

꧁⎝ 𓆩༺☠︎︎༻𓆪 ⎠꧂

ok easier than I thought tbh