chris.

This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers

the economy crashing is a distraction from the war which itself is a distraction from the epstein files which of course is just a distraction from heat death of the universe

When I screamed "HERE'S A HAMMER, FIX YOUR FACE," I didn't really expect you to take me up on it.

Who among us doesn't want bolder brows?

And then - just like that - the cat decided he would never again eat in the area he's been fed in for five years.

I left a save under your pillow

Not now, Babe. I've got to gulp down this tangy psyllium husk before it gels.

The passage of space is when you knock over a drink, fall out of a chair, catch your pants as your suspenders snap off. Kinda sounds like time broke up with you

as a gay man i cant help but yearn for the recessed lighting and vintage details that my elders fought so hard for

[25 seconds into marathon]
lol nope

Doctor: so let me get this straight you’re asking…

Me: YAS! Can I poop out the bad feelings too? Do you have a drug for this?

I make up in my head how someone feels about me and believe it.

not to brag but I can tie a cherry stem using only my cherry stem tying machine

I'm not built for endurance, I'm built for being a sleepy lil guy

So many people unfollow me when I say gross sex stuff like they forget this is the internet and that’s basically its entire purpose.

Statistically speaking, every word you say is just noise drowned out in a sea of cacophonous madness. I failed math class, though, so obviously I'm wrong.

You have to admit, Jesus was super-chill for a cult leader.

Don't you hate it when you get a boner mid root canal and have to hope they're more focused on your teeth than your trouser anesthesiologist

Don’t be afraid to change! Even if it’s for the worse. Just slop around in the mud if you want. Who cares anymore

Thinking about getting my own popemobile.

i have interviews tomorrow and monday and i need to know are the kids wearing their panties on the outside or their bras on their buttcheeks is that what interviewmaxxing is

Just cleaned my feet with a Lysol wipe. Have at me, bro.

I’m gonna eat all these hot wings and then I’m gonna eat all those Cheetos, and then I’m gonna touch all the things

I want to stay home and talk to my dog about squirrels

All my teeth were replaced by swollen ticks and when I try to eat my mouth fills with blood.

Idk exactly what’s happening with young men today (probably a myriad of things), but someone should sit them down and explain that it’s not that hard. Once, a guy gave me a pen as a gift because i posted about how customers kept stealing my pens. Instantly went from not seeing him to only seeing him

This moment in time really drives home the FIFA Peace Prize’s stellar reputation for significance.

AS GOD INTENDED.

If i could time travel i'd only use it for murderous purposes.

I don't think we should be asking the war machine's opinion on war.