richie

i just took a deep breath and got charged 20 bucks

I am brave, I am strong, and I will be seeking validation anyway

captain anxious and the anxieteers

Magic markers aren't so fucking magic.

The passage of space is when you knock over a drink, fall out of a chair, catch your pants as your suspenders snap off. Kinda sounds like time broke up with you

one day is enough of a tolerance break right?

I want to see the charcuterie board before I get into the van.

Just cleaned my feet with a Lysol wipe. Have at me, bro.

Babe. I promise you. The aliens have been inside of us all along.

Yes, my coffin is also a bunker why you asking

Today is a wonderful day to be an outcast.

As my dogs manager I’m always tryna find new ways to help him evade the paparazzi

My mood withers the moment I'm out of my house

there were little signs. nights out became nights in. i stopped doing it with my kid around, and slowly i stopped caring who knew i only wanted to listen to dubstep alone

Me: Let me make this really important phone call.

Body: Let's do it with a weird bubble in your throat, yeah?

The Adventures of Pete & Pete - Season 3, Episode 6: Crisis in the Love Zone

I don’t get any sleep because I’ve never been to Brooklyn

this is a test of your mute function

boy, are you a seagull because i want to fight you in a parking lot for the last hot dog

whore shoes > 🍀

I can’t watch porn anymore. I get too distracted by shit baseboard miters

My plans for today? Same as always; drink coffee and be sexy.

I gave up trying to understand song lyrics after I listened to that one Yes song in 1979

Operation Epic Furry

Oof. I'm tired.

Any porn using a descriptive blurb that includes the phrase ‘fucked by their boss’ is going to be way too triggering for me to watch.

Ground control to how's your mom?

my past addictions lead me to believe that if i mash up these coffee beans into powder and snort them, they will work better 🥼🧪👩‍🔬

After battling with my bathroom scale for months, I have decided to be hot at any weight

pronounce steamers with sh where the s’s are - now you sound like my neighbor who never returned my horse shoes game