Me: hey babe I’ve got a surprise for you!
Wife: it better not be that $120 the Office Lego set I told you not to get.
Me: [clicking the last brick into my $119.99 the Office lego set] no it’s something else : )
Announcer: this program is intended for mature audiences
Me: *waving bubble wand*
well I'm out
date: i like a guy with self-confidence
me: he sounds nice
Wife: are you watching the Office again?
Me: yes.
Wife: aren’t you sick of it yet?
Me: never.
Wife: why don’t you want something new?
Me: well when I find something I like I’m all in forever.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you’re talking about me aren’t you?
Me: [looks at the camera].
Trophy of the day. 🏆
Daughter: what are you doing?
Me: doom scrolling social media.
Daughter: why?
Me: I don’t know.
Daughter: do you like it?
Me: no, it makes me feel bad.
Daughter: why would you do something that makes you feel bad?
My Golf Clubs: hey shut up you’re gonna get us in trouble.
It’s tough watching Mike Tyson out here living my dream of punching a YouTuber in the face.
We obviously don’t want our kids using bad language so with that in mind My 8yr old daughter is playing in her room and there was a loud noise outside and she just yelled out “what in the hello kitty just happened” lol. my genes are good hands ya’ll.
A lot of folks coming over here from the Bad Place.
Maybe I’ll start making wholesome content here again just for you : )
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Daughter: is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: but he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I-I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Daughter: what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: you’re welcome : )
[watching Star Wars]
Daughter: that was dumb to call it the Death Star.
Me: why?
Daughter: cause it tells the Rebels they need to blow it up.
Me: oh.
Daughter: I’m gonna call mine the Hope Star.
Me: smart lol wait-what?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Grapefruit tastes like it’s trying to kill you.
wife: remember to pick him up at 5
me: ok
[later]
me: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Me: [mouthful of fruit by the foot] he gets that from me!
Daughter: my dad said you can date me as long as he gets to follow you.
Boy: no problem, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or Bluesky?
Daughter: he doesn’t have social media.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”
i think after like 4 or 5 monkeys jumping on the bed after i specifically said they shouldn’t i would stop answering my little monkey doctor phone
Me: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no
John Wick: has anyone seen my pet ant?
Me: OH NO
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
thanks for the welcome! As for the Harry Potter joke…I’m not even sorry lol.
Wife: [reading Wikipedia out loud] contrary to popular belief, the female black widow spider does not always murder and eat her mate. If she has recently been fed, the male is often allowed to live.
Me: [frantically boiling water for spaghetti].
Wife: are you gonna write Harry Potter dad jokes on Blue Sky?
Me: I don’t know, this is my chance to start over you know? really do it right.
[10 minutes later]
Wife: uh where are you going with the Dog dressed like Harry Potter?
Me: [whisper] Dogwarts.
