Phantom Limb

Boating fisherman on a lake with three huge skulls underwater

Under the Surface

#Art by Welder Wings

My Boston Fern just pulled my hair when I walked by, and that’s the most turned on I’ve been in a while.

Being a woman with straight male friends is great because you can say whatever the fuck you want to them and they’ll tolerate it since they probably lowkey want to fuck you.

psssst, if a woman doesn’t want to talk to you in DMs that doesn’t mean she has a shitty personality or is a bitch so give your balls a tug and move on bro

Writing a folk song about her gastrointestinal issues isn't the panty dropper you'd think it'd be.

Every friend group needs one person whose dating life reassures everyone else that being single was the right call, or that maybe their marriage is actually doing just fine. I’m that person.

my air purifier is always glowing red at me when i smoke weed. like, simmer down, narc, it’s all good.

A picture of a paused TV from the show Drops of God with 2 men facing each other and the closed caption reads, "You came fast."

Hey, it's been awhile OKAY?

If semen contained collagen I would already be the bukkake queen.

Bout to get wild and not set an alarm for tomorrow!

Not wife material, more like side piece material.

Please, my masculinity, it’s very fragile

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

Have you ever noticed that some people are funnier when you drink and more lovable after they leave.

My plans for today? Same as always; drink coffee and be sexy.

So many people unfollow me when I say gross sex stuff like they forget this is the internet and that’s basically its entire purpose.

You’re a verse in a song years from now I’ll still know by heart.

🖤✌️

[25 seconds into marathon]
lol nope

I learned two things last night:

I shouldn’t drink while watching the news.

And I shouldn’t watch the news.

It's not always a walk of shame.
Sometimes, it's a strut of satisfaction.

Googles how to unsay the stupid thing

are you ok babe you've barely haven't ok babe k babe haven't you ok babe

My brother used to call me a brain doner as an insult when I was small. We should use this more

That sucks, regardless. Hopefully you didn't wake up in pain or too much stiffness. Those things can ruin a day.

Maybe I’m just a banshee in a nurse’s uniform, you don’t know.

I hate those. My sympathies for that most rude of awakenings. 🖤

If you're happy and you know it, ew

I might actually be fun again, now that I’m not having a nervous breakdown

I'm curious about Godzilla's sex life. Breeding habits. Egg cycle. All the knowledge. Can someone fill me in. K. Thnx.