Cartoon drawing of a teenage mutant ninja turtle with a brown afro, like Bob Ross, and a yellow eye band. Labeled “Bob”, an honorary unofficial fifth TMNT. Bob looks like a shy friendly outcast ninja turtle, to be honest. Made for an 8yo boy who made a cute comment ☺️

One of my favorite fun facts is why the TMNT are named after artists (it’s because the type of turtle they are is a “painted turtle”). I told my nephew about this and he immediately replied that there should be a Bob Ross turtle. So rather than explain the renaissance movement to him, I-

Sorry to get political but I think we should pay people to check for poop in our food

Several of you are characters in my new play

This is about the time in my workday where I start to google how I can get paid to sell pics of my feet

I'm usually pretty chill

Except for that one time

And all those other one times

This won’t be my first restraining order babe

I don't even background check before a date anymore just kill me

there are people out there who think Blink 182 is punk music
*shudders*

A style guide for glowing up lying in bed avoiding life.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright...I’m ready to make some concessions.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder WHAT THE FUCK

Me: *taking off my clothes* I hope you like it rustic

Excuse me! Garçon!
I was promised fresh hell, not the same shit warmed up day after day.

I just want to live in a world where I don’t have to say, “What the fuck is wrong with people?” every time I leave my house.

I wouldn't know where to start if someone presented me with a bag of dicks.

Not making sense just isn't worth it. Take it from me, a please take it from me from me repetitive caricature. It was fun at the carnival, like the giant prizes in seatbelts on the way home, but sooner or later the crossroads twinkie deep fries for thee

Really digging your AM radio vibe I mean how many people can just cut out and be really silent under a bridge like that, wait, what are you pointing at oh shit mothman

I didn't spend all this time not developing translucent skin and bug eyes just to end up living in a cave. But I am finally willing to go really deep and more impossible to understand

We chose our carriage our gown our ball but all we really wanted was a gourd that can write doctors' notes

I suggested to the fellas at the golf club that we open a coffee shop in the clubhouse and call it 'Parbucks' and then four of them tried to drown me in the lake.

Ah April fools day, the day I call my friend Eric 'Erik' lol I'm such a prankster.

ME: What does emo mean?

GIRLFRIEND: It’s emotional

ME: [holding her hand] It’s ok babe. I’ll ask someone else.

And for my third wish I asked for 3 more wishes but the genie was like 'you can't wish for that' and then I was all 'no, you said I couldn't ask for infinite wishes' and he was like 'damn, I need to tighten up' so I wished I was a little bit taller, a baller and then...yep...3 more wishes.

WIFE: *reading news article* Omg a woman choked on a chickpea and died

ME: *barely audible* Hummuscide

HER: Get out!

GOD: You CAN fly. Just under water

PENGUIN: Fuck you dude, you called that 'swimming' only a few minutes ago.

Those were some notable cunts you mentioned there, indeed.