THE Burger King

Fun fact: If you take your harassment training on your birthday, they include that video of Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday to JFK.

More like Ѕтатэ оf тЂэ Циіои.

MOVIE EXEC: no idea is a bad idea

ME: a farm romance about two feuding sheep who unexpectedly fall in love

MOVIE EXEC: get out

ME: bleated rivalry

me: imma revisit the house i grew up in. gonna check out the closet where all my childhood games were

bf: you’re just looking for Trouble

me: what

But do you eat that bigass leaf?

we had adventures in a magical world we accessed through a wardrobe

Thanks to technology, bananas are becoming obsolete as pretend phones. The future belongs to the Pop-Tart.

Good thing I have been watching the Olympics. I may have to giant slalom out to my car in a few days.

Polio Speedwagon

IG post of a screenshot from that nauseating “workout” video with RFK Jr. and Kid Rock, captioned “Name this band.” Inset are five takes: - Rage Against the Vaccine (thervpshow) - Meth Lab for Cutie (jeremy.alder) - Hillbilly Vanilli (the_notorious_s.h.e.) - Septic & Garfungal (breesspace) - 30sec to SARS (coryshowtime)

Measle Zappa

(first day as an AI salesman) Can I interest you in an exciting slopportunity

never ask your girlfriends dad if you can get married, cause he might say yes and then it takes forever to get divorced from him

i refuse to do anything for the time being—the time being is already far too powerful

They're not in drafts; they're in timeout.

Fanatics now has a sports book and all I can think is, what can you bet on? Next year's new color schemes?

The best thing about last night's Super Bowl was the chili I made to eat while watching it.

I may talk a big game, but there's nothing Super Bowl about me.

if you think you’re excited about this job opening just imagine how the inside candidate must be feeling

I read Caves of Steel in middle school. The book was fun and a great mystery, but I lacked some context of the overall world he'd built around robots. Years later, upon finishing book 5 of the Foundation series, I was delighted that R. Daneel Olivaw made an appearance at the end of history.

Boss: What are we doing out here?

Me: I'm showing you where I buried the led.

Boss: It's "lede". You bury the lede. Do you hear muffled screaming?

Me (digging): Yeah, it's Robert Plant.

What did/do you think of Asimov's writing? I thoroughly enjoyed everything I read by him and this reminds me that I've been meaning to read more of his stuff for ages.

An Icelandic Sheepdog standing over a red rubber bone, waiting to play.

A phnom de plume is a Cambodian penh name.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird

[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

I've always suspected that jorts season has its fringe benefits.

Are we talking pre-new look Guy Fieri? Because new look Guy Fieri looks like he'll take you all the way to Bibletown.

Closing 2 years for renovations is the new "YOU CAN'T QUIT, YOU'RE FIRED!"

Yes, and that's why it's now long. That said, Mrs. ADay agrees with you.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

Why do we call them loan sharks and not persons of interest?