Brian Graham

chinese zodiac inventor: so some of them are cool like tiger or horse. then i put in one dragon. cool right?

friend: what about people who get these here. snake? rat? what about people born in those years

chinese zodiac inventor: FUCK EM. HAHAHAHA FUCKIN LOSERS

do you know who was in charge of the emperor of china’s imperial harem? the empress of china. huge conflict of interest

guys buying flowers inside the florist on valentine’s day have the vibe of a guy trying to win it all back on the tables

claude: Wait—you actually did that? I was just joking. You shouldn’t have done that. That’s going to mess up your entire life. You need to learn to read between the lines. This is really embarrassing for you.

how could this tweet not be a hit on bluesky dot com. i crunched the numbers. it should have 1M likes by now

john mclaughlin on the mclaughlin group

issue one. the frame mogging heard round the world. where does the story go from here. is the chadfish-grind now the structural backbone of late-stage smv society. pat buchanan, go

i’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. luckily i had my iphone. here, watch this unedited 2 minute video of attack ships on fire off the shoulder of orion. …

after this i have 3 minutes of c-beams glittering—what? no it’s not time to die yet. i have some time. why? just watch

“guy pointing at himself in the mirror” meme but he’s written in the steam a heart and the word “handsome”

(wise men talking to joseph)

melchior: here is some wisdom from a wise man of the far east. did you consider staying at an inn

joseph: (seething)

balthazar: uhh as wise men we’ll not bring this up again

i wonder if on december 26th joseph told mary “i’m just saying we’re actually pretty comfortable and we’re getting a great price”

holding up a bunch of grapes over your mouth and biting one off just doesn’t seem like something morally upright people do

looking down on the Iron Giant as it flies up to the sky

iron giant ending, but he flies up, then away from the town. the bomb hits the town. mushroom cloud

fade to black

cut to iron giant on a beach. he’s drinking something fruity. 🎵 IF YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS 🎶

judge: so mr. graham there’s a secret legal doctrine where you’re allowed to break the law if it’s funny enough and this qualifies

me: this is just like the voices said it would be

dr. manhattan on a tropical beach drinking something and flanked by hula girls

actually i can still be just as tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives from here

A screencap from Star Trek: The Next Generation. A Starfleet officer in a yellow operations uniform stands in the foreground, seen from behind and slightly to the side, facing an empty holodeck. The holodeck is inactive, showing a stark black room covered in glowing yellow grid lines on the floor and walls, forming a three-dimensional wireframe cube.

julia child performing the haka. 10 hours straight

cochlear implant video where the first words the kid hears are “you’re adopted”

A COMPUTER CAN NEVER BE DRUNK THEREFORE A COMUPTER MUs;T NEVER dRIve

my accent is-a from a different part-a of germany that-a you’ve-a never heard of. ayo this waiter’s fare orecchie da mercante. it’s-a anti-italian discrimination

i took a louisville slugger to both headlights
slashed a hole in all four tires
maybe next time, he’ll think before he
parks in a legal and public parking spot outside a neighbor’s house

(huddled with kids under blanket, watching mouse trap)

me: ok kids. the first rule of mousehunts is: be quiet. the second rule of mousehunts is: no farting

A COMPUTER CAN NEVER FEEL THE BEAT THEREFORE A COMPUTER MUST NEVER LEAD THE CONGA LINE

the 90s are a siren song. they draw you in with cultural artifacts like blues traveler’s “hook.” but before you know it, you’re trying to learn to sing the whole bridge to blues traveler’s “hook.” the 90s trick you into thinking that’s somehow worthwhile

my family plays a game called ouija jar. it’s like a reverse ouija board. everyone puts their hands on the lid and twists. then insists they were the one who really opened the jar

what this looks like to a tetrachromat penguin. scientists now believe he’s off to see the wizard

i’m taking the road less traveled by. it’s making all the difference

(new yorker and wisconsinite talking)

wisconsinite: you prep your car for the blizzard?

new yorker: sure did. horn is shipshape

proposing at a wedding should be cool and romantic. it should be considered good luck that your wedding sparked another. weddings so connected should form long chains, storied and proud

waze: “turn right here”

(it is a one-way; signs say “DO NOT ENTER.” i pass it)

waze: rerouting

waze: in 200 feet, pull over and let a man drive

waze: wait stop here for cigarettes

i show my wife my posts here like a cat presenting a dead bird