Frank Ray Whitehouse (He/Him)

Elected Democrat Thrilled He Doesn't Have To Do Anything

Whoever has my voodoo doll -- please stop making me try to have sex with all these other voodoo dolls.

Oh boy, news! Let's see what they have for me. I hope it's not just telling me that punk-ass buster is still president. Okay it's still him. Tomorrow is another day.

Her: I heard you had a medical incident

Me: It was a fib

Her: I'm just telling you what I heard

[man having heart attack during flight]
Flight Attendant: IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
Me: [raising hand] it’s not a house, it’s an airplane

A week long celebration of dad jokes, call it The Paternity Fest

[1865]
club leader: the first rule of Height club is tall people in the back
john wilkes booth: hey i can’t see. this guy in front of me won’t take off his hat
Abe Lincoln: the hat stays on
john wilkes booth: shoot. haha jk did i say shoot ? i meant dammit
Abe Lincoln: what

If they want me back they have to go fully Woke 2, sorry. Whole hog. I gotta be able to get an abortion there

If she were still alive, the acclaimed British actress I would most wish to clear my driveway is Joan Plowright.

I don't like to blow my own trumpet -- I've now been barred from every instrument shop in the city.

Spotting a very attractive woman in the street today I gave her a big wolf whistle.

At first she was startled, shocked even. But eventually she was flattered:

She came to appreciate the fine Native American craftwork and slipped it into her purse.

[First Date]

Her: "Sorry, I don't think this is going to work. Your profile pic was very misleading."

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: "I never *said* I contained chocolate. You made that assumption on your own."

Spotting a very attractive woman in the street today I gave her a big wolf whistle.

At first she was startled, shocked even. But eventually she was flattered:

She came to appreciate the fine Native American craftwork and slipped it into her purse.

Goldfish Leslie Nielson: I'm a locksmith, and, I'm a locksmith

[First Date]

Her: "Sorry, I don't think this is going to work. Your profile pic was very misleading."

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: "I never *said* I contained chocolate. You made that assumption on your own."

[my first day as a Mexican cop]

ME: *looks at a burning automobile* who did this?

OFFICER: cartel?

ME: *rubs chin thoughtfully* no buddy we’re gonna have to figure this one out on our own

Dubai resident Lindsay Lohan safe after Iran strikes phew dodged a bullet there, didn’t we 🙄

phew , amirite

Please god just put him out of our misery

them: he can’t do that it’s illegal
me: thx for clearing it up glad that’s all over with

Gentlemen, it’s Women’s History Month, so maybe take the initiative and explain what that is.

The nihilism of this.

"Pedophilia is in the news, so the NYT has a responsibility to publish a piece about how the age of consent shouldn't exist, that's how news works!"

And look at that, this person is on Substack. Because a platform that supports Nazism is also apparently fine.

Anything goes!

Hegseth: 'We didn't start this war but under President Trump we're finishing it' The remarks are the first to reporters since the U.S.-Israeli military operations against Iran began Saturday despite weeks of talks designed to stave off a conflict.

Hegseth says this war isn't about regime change. Two days ago Trump said it was: ("Now is the time to seize control of your destiny. Do not let it pass"). If they can't agree on what their illegal war is about, what hope for the nation?

What are our troops dying for?

www.npr.org/2026/03/02/n...

Timely reminder that "quagmire" is a really fun word to say, but a really bad thing to drag your country into.

My Top 3 Global Concerns:

3. Countries and groups are pulling apart instead of cooperating, making shared problems harder to solve.

2. Climate and nature are breaking down in ways that ripple everywhere.

1. Believing that you can remake the Rockford files with anyone other than James Garner.

That part’s ok — the owner doesn’t make me buy any gas.

More pain at the pump: got my dick stuck in the gas nozzle yet again.

I dunno guys, but I’m starting to have second thoughts about my “Trump 2028” face tattoo.

[Tucking my daughters into bed]

Me: 'Girls! Girls! Don't listen to those other kids. Listen, it really doesn't matter what a name means. What's important is that it sounds pretty.'

Latrine: '...'

Urethra: '...'

Chlamydia: '...'

Pretty messed up how every single country in the world except mine, doles out blatant propaganda to its citizenry.