Davidly Roth 🎉

if the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie you may be entitled to compensation

I point the gun at Gosling, then Reynolds.

"Neither of us is a clone!" Reynolds says.

"No shit, Gosling—no one said anything about clones!"

He confidently writes "9/11" on the whiteboard and pauses to glance around the pitch meeting. The suits lean in. He adds "S" to the end. Excited murmurs fill the room. He flashes a sly smile before performing the coup de grâce: changing the S into $. Everyone totally loses their shit.

i fucking love smashing buttons. what kind of button doesn't even matter at all. show me a button, and buddy, i'm gonna smash the shit out of it

i dont really like apples sigh i should have been a doctor

ily! 🥰🫶

I’d be much more into the Winter Olympics if the athletes were assigned their events randomly to add some relatable panicky cluelessness

And butts. Also butts

:important:

wow everybody and their
grandma is here! said the
cemetery groundskeeper

being a lifelong learner is so fucking hot, and also boobies

i’m a real gum shoe*

*mildly irritating and also I wear a deerstalker

yes yes truck nuts of course but where pray tell is the truck penis

goodnight you shit fucks (complimentary)

hard to believe we all knew mario was a plumber but we just let him practice medicine anyway, like "guy's definitely a doctor. it's fine. he's got a bag of pills." it was a different time.

you're in her dms.
i'm in her dms too. thank god we found each other. there's no way out. it's been 2 months and i've run out of food & fresh water.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Himalayan salt lamp?

gonna make coffee stirrer straw people of everyone in this meeting

who up cowering in a frozen outpost while their friends become monstrous facsimiles

sometimes I think about what I could accomplish if I actually got my shit together and then I yawn so big my jaw dislocates

creating chaos out of symmetry or so says ocd friend that lives in my head

imagine golfing with me

wrong, more weed

I want people to love me and also to stay the fuck away

life is messy and hard, but so is the floor under the couch so I guess what I’m saying is it’s the perfect place to shame nap

it was a long night but she eventually wore herself out and sleeping it off on the carpet behind the furniture

"still not punk" i grumble as i embroider a circle around the A on my abercrombie sweater

grok bad. now check out these genAI pics of the evil men smooching har har

how is it we have truth serum but no spill pill? is there even a single person who prefers the liquid form?

sometimes when people are awkward I misread it as a competition

we are gonna need MOAR BEARS, GREG