if someone shoves your face into a chocolate cake, the calories don’t count
13.01.2026 18:23
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if someone shoves your face into a chocolate cake, the calories don’t count
I don't trust anyone who gets excited about math facts
To cut down on my alcohol intake I’m only going to have half measures in future but to save on the washing up I’m going to have them two at a time in the same glass.
[after my first set as a stand-up comedian]
me: man, I can’t believe I died on stage tonight
St. Peter: I know, and to be honest your act was awful too
Unprecedented Times at Ridgemont High
You can tell a lot about a person by what's on their bookshelves.
Autocorrect changed "demands" to "demons" in my emails, and I must fully agree with it!
Not enough of you read cereal boxes as a kid eating breakfast, and it shows.
I'm not alone. I have forever chemicals
It's true I never know what's going on but these days... who would want to?
How can we be soulmates if you don’t reply?
Hmm day 7 of waking up without my left sock on
It wasn’t anywhere to be found, and Gary just knew it was because he put it somewhere he “wouldn’t forget.”
I guess calling the pharmacist Candy Man is frowned upon. Who knew
Be the sweet ass mix-tape you want to hear in this world
I wish unfriending someone on Facebook meant unmeeting them too.
If you like cheese enchiladas
and getting caught in the rain
I parallel parked so bad that I had to leave and find a new space.
why haven’t any skin care brands been able to replicate the post cry glow
Have you looked at the time? I’m almost late for a nap
I am not overthinking things. If anything, you're underthinking things
80% of owning a cat is trying to figure out where your cat is
There are ghosts in your house but don't be so arrogant to think they have the time or energy to fuck your shit about.
I wear big glasses. All the better to cover in body grease and not have to see you with, my dear.
There is nothing melted cheese cannot correct, except for maybe an open chest wound.
Was about to fucking reply, poured a bourbon, fucking ripped a dart, didn't fucking reply
We all fucking win
I’ve got nothing to say so I guess I better go ahead & say it
Goldilocks has boundary issues.
