Damnit Janet

"Address my content!" I shout as I sit in the playground sandbox and slowly shovel grit down my gullet

I say happy birthday a lot for someone that is diametrically opposed to all birth.

I like to think of myself as a delicate flower, but I’m sure there’s a reason my Daddy calls me his lil Snapdragon

[Looking back into the toilet] I should call him

i am mad as a waterlogged rooster I actually don’t know how mad that is but it sounds like a lot

We may disagree politically but we are all of us fascinated by parasitoid egg casings laid on the back of a tomato hornworm. Let’s build on this

benjamin the black and white stripy cat on an olive colored sofa looking v v suspicious

when your cat is not acting sus at all

I don't think we should be asking the war machine's opinion on war.

We don’t agree on much, but I think we can all agree with the way Johnny Cash sang ooooooo in Ring of Fire

our company’s monthly SEO report says our top keyword is up 69 positions and now my tongue hurts from biting it so hard

still so upset about that poor guy trying to cross a busy road. I’ll never forget my little Frogger

As my dogs manager I’m always tryna find new ways to help him evade the paparazzi

Babe. I promise you. The aliens have been inside of us all along.

Aww, wee lane is 😊

😅 really anyone buying a white car is asking for that

If things weren't apocalyptic enough, we're getting something called blood rain today. Seriously tho, I just wish they'd mentioned it before I washed my hair

Swallowing a couple of dryer balls to soften up my insides.

I played a game with my friend called “New York Times headline or Something My Ass Wrote” and he lost

Dribbling the bits out of your mouth while making eye contact will seal the deal

chewing on ice as it cracks my tooth in a seductive way

my blood moon thirst remains unsated

You know you ordered way too much fucking food for yourself when the Chinese restaurant gives you four fortune cookies.

You tell a rational technology to go to hell and what does it do, the very rational bon voyage that your astronaut heart is afraid of, and coordinates are already go for the funny little space saving smart drill car

I went to a big gathering tonight and when I talked, nobody called me a liar or said to stop rewriting history. Does this always happen offline?

I accidentally sent a wink emoji after telling a guy I'm sorry for the loss of his wife. Now I have to sleep with him.

I didn't come here to make friends. Unless, of course, you want to be my friend. In which case nothing would bring me greater joy

Lorem ipsum dolor dollar bills y'all

Thom Yorke's wife going to bed: Did you set your alarm? Did you set your surprise?

Someone just tried to run me down in a 711 parking lot to get to a Japanese mayonnaise and egg sandwich.

I believed the weirdest stuff as a kid
sometimes I still have to remind myself that not all cats are female and not all dogs are male smh