Lizzlepants 🐒

when the ennui takes you

Y’all mind if a white boy does a little unreliable narrating

please accept my sincerest oopsie daises

i love the dogfood ads comparing our pets to their wild wolf relatives bounding through the woods but mine will whine and cry for an hour when a cheerio rolls under the china hutch

im not diagnosed yet. so im just praubstistic

Thinking about that twilight zone where the guy gets trapped in the vault during a nuclear war because he'd rather read books than anything else.

no rizz, just probable autism

If we’re talking and I give you 3 “that’s crazies” and a “wow”, it’s time to stop. I’ve completely checked out.

our company’s monthly SEO report says our top keyword is up 69 positions and now my tongue hurts from biting it so hard

I want to stay home and talk to my dog about squirrels

My mood withers the moment I'm out of my house

i bet it feels so good when pandora spreads her box open

rob peter pay paul seduce mary

What if I continue being weird and off putting? What then?

Don't bother with those "smart" glasses, just duct tape two Ring dot com cameras to your face.

I don’t get invited to many places, but when I do I say no

As my dogs manager I’m always tryna find new ways to help him evade the paparazzi

i’m gonna hold your boobs while i say this: i really like your boobs

overheard some of the scientists say that they need to fortify my enclosure because i will begin the metamorphosis soon?? okay ???

i burst up from the flames of hell for this?

If things weren't apocalyptic enough, we're getting something called blood rain today. Seriously tho, I just wish they'd mentioned it before I washed my hair

You guys can't get rid of me that easily

Writing a folk song about her gastrointestinal issues isn't the panty dropper you'd think it'd be.

Who doesn't enjoy long romantic strolls to the liquor store?

Do you think that before we had houses, they called them cave flies?

After battling with my bathroom scale for months, I have decided to be hot at any weight

My plans for today? Same as always; drink coffee and be sexy.

my past addictions lead me to believe that if i mash up these coffee beans into powder and snort them, they will work better 🥼🧪👩‍🔬

I could have fried in your arms tonight it must have been some kind of piss

put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format